Would He Make a Good Stepfather?
Posted under: Single women are always told to play it cool in the beginning of a relationship. Even thinking of it as ‘the beginning of a relationship’ is a no-no. We’re just getting to know each other, you’re supposed to say. Nothing serious.
But for women with children, these kinds of thoughts are unavoidable. There are young people relying on you and every decision you make impacts them. So every first date is an interview for a potential stepfather for your children. Without even thinking about it, you find yourself sizing him up. Would he be a good father? Would your children like him?
Dating women with kids isn’t for everyone, so if learning you’re a single mom doesn’t scare him away, you’re off to a good start. The next step is to trust your instincts. Nobody knows what’s best for your family better than you do. On those early dates, assess how he feels about family and work. Ask casual questions and listen to his answers. Most people like talking about themselves and are naturally drawn to people who take an interest in learning more about them. Use this to your advantage and get to know him as well as possible.
That doesn’t mean you should directly ask his views on marriage and family. Men will sometimes grow uncomfortable if they feel a woman is trying to pin them down right away. These are still the early days, after all. Mainly, you want to see who he is as a person, to see if his values are in line with the values you and your children share.
Does he ask about your children? If he does, that’s a good sign. Does he seem to want children someday? This will eventually come up, so don’t rush it if he doesn’t mention it.
Once your relationship progresses, it might help to spend time with his family. His own family dynamic says a lot about how he feels about family. Look at how he treats his mother. Does he help her out when she needs it? That biological drive to take care of her will translate to his family as well, when he has one.
The best test is whether or not he connects with your kids, once he meets them. If he’s never had children of his own, adjusting to the children in your life will likely not be easy. Allow for bumps in the road and understand if there isn’t an instant bond. Remember, you’ve had years to bond with your children, and you share DNA. You can’t expect him to form that same bond overnight.
And, most of all, remember, if a man chooses to date women with children, he’s likely already accepted the fact that he might be a stepfather someday. Appreciate that and give him a chance to adjust slowly, without pressure.
